Happy New Month to you! Yes, You! This is the last month of a truly wonderful year and man, am I excited!
This being the 12th month of the year, I’ve decided to do a list of 12 things that have existed for far too long and need to simply disappear.
This is 2016 screeching to a halt, ladies and gentlemen, and just last year made it one and a half decade that we crossed into this much-hyped millennium. Some things shouldn’t have crossed into this millennium but that they did… well… let me put them to bed once and for all. In case you belong to any of this category, kindly start getting ready to use your Time Machine because you don’t belong in this age.
This list is in no particular order and it covers everything from preferences in fashion, personal choices, habits, beliefs and principles etc.
UNDOMESTICATED MEN: Men, it didn’t have to come to this but you asked for it. If you’re a guy and you can’t cook anything that doesn’t have a table of instruction on the pack then you should be flogged.
What?! This is 2016 drawing the curtains and you’re still looking for a full-time housewife?! Now, a man should be able to cook, clean and do the basic domestic stuff. I’m not saying to be as spick and span as a brand new pan; I’m just saying be able to help out with some of the domestic stuff. That’s the new romantic. Meanwhile, if you have a problem with this, kindly set your time machine to 1980.
S.U. SISTERS: Are we joking here? Like are you for real? Scarf? No jewelries? No makeup? Did your S.U. mum hand that funny looking skirt down to you because I’m not going to believe they sell them anymore. The 21st century ladies dress well without exposing themselves and they pay attention to their looks. You, ma, don’t belong in this age. Set your Time Machine to 1877 and if you’re lucky, you’ll catch some of your specie holding hands and singing Kumbaya.
FLASHING: Let me put it this way: Airtel, for instance, has a package where you can call for 11k per second and at about N12 per minute. It would take you less than N1 to call someone to hurriedly ask them to call you back and it’s N4 to send sms and totally free to send “Please call me back.” So tell me, why on this Planet earth would you still be flashing in this day and age?!
You either call or you don’t! Go back to 1999!
SAGGING: The only reason I’ll let this off is if the person is so thin that no belt or trouser will hold. You may hate me for this but why would you sag in this age? Why?
Please get in your time machine and set the date to a year before you were born. You need to be born again.
PINK NOT FOR MEN: I hear a lot of people say this and I laugh. Some folks though…
Who says a guy can’t wear a pink shirt these days? Like really? Please set your Time Machine to 1996.
JUNGLE JUSTICE: The only thing I’ll say about this is this: It should be totally frowned upon. It’s barbaric and disgusting. You shouldn’t take a life without letting the person face the law. I know some folks may deserve it but don’t do it. If you’re a fan, please set your Time Machine to 1,000,000BC. Kindly say hello to whatever homo-erectus you run into.
ABUSE: Whether physical, verbal, sexual or whatever ‘al’ form it comes, It should have ended with the abolishment of the slave trade.
So if you’re still involved in this, kindly set your Time Machine to any date before 1807 when slave trade was abolished.
LAPTOPS = YAHOO-YAHOO: I still laugh anytime I remember a church meeting I attended a few years ago when a woman launched into an emotional diatribe where she castigated people that carry laptop around as ‘Yahoo-Yahoo’ people and that they should repent and there, well nested beside me, was Denise – my very beautiful laptop that followed me almost everywhere I go. I just laughed it off. That lady and others like her have never heard of Bloggers, Programmers, Software Engineers, Graphic Designers and a load of professionals who, like me, may not even know anything about internet scam but we lug our laptops everywhere.
If you didn’t know this, I’ll be lenient with you. Kindly set your Time Machine to 2006.
NO SMARTPHONES: This is another variant of the reasoning above. I know people got dumber as phones got smarter and some people do dumb things with their smartphones like chatting on the road or listening to loud music with the earpiece plugged into their ears but now saying the only function of a phone is to call and text so you’ll be buying only a Nokia 3310 or something like that?
Set your time machine back to 1979. So you could get some Awolowo-inspired free basic education.
If you still carry this mantra for head or you have an iota of belief in the fact that the Police is your friend then you’re on your own and since you’re on your own then that implies independence. So kindly set your Time Machine to October 1st, 1960. Moving on!
MAID MALTREATMENT: I’ll save the argument as to the merits and demerits of having Maids for a later post but why should you have a maid then you maltreat her? You have a teenage maid and you have no qualms about not educating her and then hitting her at every whim?
Your case is simple. Please set your Time Machine to 1980 before that housemaid does something terrible to the kid(s).
POLYGAMY: Aha! Mr Oga! The Alpha-Male himself. Seriously, you want to do this in this day and age? Marry more than one woman now? Oh! What was that you said? As long as you can love them equally? Your faith permits it? I’m getting you. Oh! You’re not done? You know how to put women in their place? Very good. I know how to put you in your place. I’ll make an exception of you. Kindly set your Time Machine to 2036. You’re not alive? Let’s try 2031, you’re not alive? 2026? You’re alive but barely? How about 2021? You’re miserable?
You know what? Let me save you from yourself. Set that time machine to when you were three years old and start learning afresh. You’re welcome.
In case you know any that I may have missed, please let me have your feedback. Thank you.
Thank you for taking time out to read.
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