Today is #TurnUpThursday so I decided to do a #ThrowBackThursday post and I came up with one of the craziest and funniest I ever wrote.
This tale was published a couple of years ago or so.
“It was a cold, cold night in Lagos and I knew it was one of those nights I’ve come to accept and have gotten used to. I could see people putting up ‘Weather for 2‘ and ‘Weather for 3’ as their display pix on blackberry messenger but I couldn’t be bothered by all that. I knew that even if the heavens started raining babes that night, I’ll still be sleeping alone tonight. That’s the nature of my hex when it comes to getting a lady into my bed and as a result, I’ve been celibate for so many years now.
But that was about to change.
As it so happened, there was no light and I honestly didn’t give a hoot about that. I didn’t need light after all. The weather was cool enough and my blackberry was sufficiently charged so I prepared for bed. Then came the knock.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when she entered. I had not seen her in over 6 years, nor had she crossed my mind in over 4. She wasn’t even a friend, she was a friend’s friend so we just used to say ‘Hi’ back then. But man, was I happy to see her. She was short the way I like them and well “endowed.”
She must have been happy to see me too as she came to sit on my laps as I was still sizing her up. Before I knew it, I was kissing her neck and she was responding and I thought this was going to be a great night after all. She then told me to excuse her cos she needed to change and stuff and I did. Hardly had she left when a female friend of mine knocked and came in. I actually thought the heaven was raining babes but I knew that I wasn’t getting any from these babes. She only enjoyed gisting and she wasn’t as endowed as the Cinderella that stepped out. I decided I had to get rid of her fast so she won’t pour sand in my garri so I did all I could but she wouldn’t budge until the other babe came back wearing an even shorter gown.
My friend got the message and decided to excuse us and I excused myself to walk her out even as I said a prayer of thanksgiving under my breath.
I really don’t understand how it happened but I couldn’t find my way back home anymore. It was so bad that I knocked on a couple of wrong doors and I actually barged into a couple making love behind one door. I was beginning to curse my luck but I eventually found my door and when I opened, I saw 4 of my guys in my room already!
I was so shocked. I looked at my visitor and she was already looking disgusted. I pleaded with her and I told the guys to excuse me that I had a guest. They paid no attention, infact, one was already asleep on the chair.
I went to sit gingerly with the babe on the bed and kept on whispering assurances in her ears that the bastards will soon be on their way out and that they’re just being naughty. She calmly took it all in as I held her hand, glanced at that wonderful cleavage and cursed the zombies delaying proceedings. I actually considered taking her there and then but I knew those guys would just grab some popcorn and enjoy the show and I was having none of that.
After a while that seemed like an eternity and a half, the gremlins decided it was time to leave so I walked after them to lock the door. From the corner of my eye, I could see the babe already zipping down her gown. It was obvious she had no more use for foreplay but was ready to get down to the main event.
I hurriedly locked the door as I took my shirt off. I rushed for her as we grabbed each other and the force of our collision with each other landed us on the bed.
All of a sudden, it got suddenly colder and it all went bright. I stirred as I opened my eyes as I realized that NEPA or PHCN or whatever the bastards called themselves at restored power. I decided to get back to business and I also realized… There was no business! The babe was gone. I began to get all panicky again as realization suddenly began to dawn on me.
I screamed on my inside. This can’t be! I cursed my luck for the 2nd time that night. I got up hurriedly to switch off the light, got into bed and covered myself. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to mentally teleport myself back into that dream through whatever gateway I could crash. I needed to get back to where I was locking that door as the babe stripped again. But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t anymore. That train was gone for good. I had lost my sweet dream. It was all over. The wait continues. I lay there in bed because I couldn’t even find sleep anymore. Then somewhere within me, it erupted and before I could stop it, I let out that scream…
DAMN YOU TO HELL, PHCN!!!!!!!!”
It’s still your guy @blog_aces on twitter. You can start sending your poems, jokes, stories, articles, posts and whatever you want to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll publish them every Wednesdays on my blog on “WISHLIST WEDNESDAY.”
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God bless you.