Control… Remote Control.

I’m an avid lover of Animal documentaries so you should know by now that NatGeoWild is one of my favourite channels on DSTV.
You should try it too.
You’d be surprised what you’d learn from all these beasts.

Take for example, the wolf pack. They have this Alpha male that runs the pack, leads the hunt and is always at the forefront. The other wolves defer to it.

You need to check out the Lions too. The Lionesses hunt for food but the Lion is first to eat it’s own share before the Lionesses and even the little cubs eat their share.

Then I was surprised to learn that even among the crocodiles, there’s the top croc. The biggest, strongest of the crocs (aka the chief) also enjoys his share of the feast before others can dig in.

The top male animal seems to always be at the forefront.

Make no mistake, the top male animal is in control.

In case you thought this control issue ended in and with the animal kingdom, then you’re a little right but very wrong. There are schools of thought who lay claim to the fact that we humans are animals although of the higher class.

Every top male animal craves control. In the Human kingdom, the top male animals are (I’m sure you’ve all personally guessed it);

FATHERS (aka DADS)

And they’re ways to go about getting and maintaining it.

Now I’m sure we’ve seen somethings growing up that we probably now find funny by the sheer pettiness of it.

You remember those days when there were so many privileges ONLY Fathers were entitled to?
Now let me give you a couple of examples of things that were held so sacred in the human kingdom by fathers. Just like totems, these things were SYMBOLS OF CONTROL:

(NB: These examples applies to Nigerian fathers as I’ve not seen fathers of other nationalities do these. But I’m sure it’s basically the same concepts everywhere.)

SYMBOL 1: The Table

Fathers still sit at the head of dining tables as I type and I think this is the same everywhere. No matter the shape of the dining hall, you’ll never find a square or circular table. It ALWAYS has to be rectangular so that there’ll be a head for the Fathers to sit.

Or have you seen a circular dining table before?

SYMBOL 2: The Chair

Where there’s a table, there’s a chair. Right?

Right!

Let’s be honest, you’d be hard pressed to have a family back then where there wasn’t that couch that was the exclusive reserve of the dad. You can sit anywhere on the double or triple-seater couch. Hell, you could even sleep on them. But there was that one couch that you never sit on.

NEVER!

You get caught on it, you’re in deep trouble! That couch that if that your annoying little sis caught you sitting in it, you’d have to buy her silence with your fish from dinner.

Yeah, that one.

SYMBOL 3: The Cutleries

Remember that special plate that was used to serve your dad? That special glass? Spoon?

Now this one is so embarrassing to talk about.

Moving on.

SYMBOL 4: The Chickens

Now I’m not talking about those times when you get to eat one small piece of meat and you stare longingly at your dad’s plate because he gets to eat at least two big pieces to show he’s the boss.
I mean you’d think the kids need more protein than the grown ups, right?

Right.

But we all know that when we have our kids, that old status quo that was passed down to us will still be followed and no matter what this writer thinks or says, you’re still going to have the bigger pieces of meat while your kids get the smaller pieces.

Let them go get their proteins from soya-beans.

But the aspect I could never understand when I was a kid and even now as I write this piece is this:

Why is it that when the chickens get killed at Christmas, the gizzard is ‘taboo’ to everyone except the fathers?
Why is it no one gets to touch them even if ten chickens get killed? All the ten gizzards belong exclusively to the fathers.

I need your answers to this. It would help.

SYMBOL 5: The Remote Control

Now let me sound a note of warning here to all of you. Never EVER try to stand in the way of your father and the remote control.

DON’T DO IT.

Let me say something here; these men go to work their asses off to get you the best that they can while you guys are busy fooling around at home watching cartoons and pretending to do your assignments.

So when they come home from a hard day’s work; after their bath and that delicious food from your mothers, they expect to relax by sitting down (most likely on their hallowed couch) and enjoying the news (which is basically all the entertainment fathers seem to get on Television).

This is usually a very trying period for the kids, I must add, because no normal kid likes watching the news. Then next thing you know, the fathers always end up dozing off in their chair right in the middle of the news and you’re torn between changing the channel to that Mexican soap you want to watch, and your sleeping dad and the news he is not watching.

The only problem is that he’s somehow clutching tight to the remote control and you want to wrestle it out of his hand without waking him up???

DANG!!! WRONG MOVE!

That is the greatest slap to a father’s manhood. You never take the remote control from your father because the moment you take the remote control, the father has lost control of that family (Or that’s the way they make it look).

You’d better grit your teeth and let them have control of the TV until they surrender the remote control themselves (or switch off the TV). Better still, don’t get addicted to any soap opera between 9pm and 11pm (Fathers peak TV time).

The moment you take that remote control from their hands, then you’ve just told your father that you’re prepared to start winning all the bread in the house.

What I’m saying is that the remote control in the hands of fathers is a sign of control over that home. Don’t try to take it or steal it.

You may survive taking a man’s table, his couch, his gizzard…

But don’t you dare touch that remote control!!!

(Menacing look)

DON’T YOU DARE!

Thank you.

Okay I exaggerated. Get over it. Hehehe…

Let’s know some other symbols that I have missed out. I’m sure they’re more than a few of them.

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God bless you!